A Pragmatist's Guide To Romance

By Timothy Hayes on February 23, 2015

Valentine’s Day has come and gone and regardless of your status in a relationship, romance still lingers. The very air smacks of kisses and stupid laughter, of “good morning” texts and Instagram couple selfies. I’m sure many of you hate to bring up a subject that may be so painful, but if love’s in the air, you might as well talk about it since you’ll be breathing it in.

College is certainly a place for romance. You’re away from all the people you used to live life with and are now surrounded by a plethora of new, intelligent and attractive people. One of these certainly could be your potential life partner. You might be dating them now, but why does everyone assume that you’re going to meet your spouse in your economics class?

From our experience, I’d say it’s not a bad assumption to make. A large portion of our parents met their spouse after high school, sometime in college. My parents met each other in college and married before graduation. For some of us, this is the expectation we have going to school.

More realistically, let’s examine the facts. According to the Pew Research Center’s 2011 study, the average age for women to marry in the U.S. was just below 27 and for men it was about 30. Compare that to under 21 for women in 1950 and 24 for men.

Historically, post WWII, the median age dropped due to the rising number of GI’s returning home from war to high school sweethearts.

With the Baby Boom came a severe drop in marriage age. Each generation delayed marriage just a bit more than their parents. (chart courtesy of the US Census Bureau)

The war, having given these men perspective on life, pushed the age of marriage down dramatically from its pre-war average. As you can see on this chart, a dramatic drop occurred and has been steadily rising since then. Most of our parents were probably born sometime in the ’60s and ’70s, and accordingly, their mean age of first marriage is markedly lower that what is expected. In the 1990s, the mean age finally rose back to the levels seen a century earlier.

Culturally speaking, since the end of the frontier, marriage age has risen. With more and more people in the U.S., the dating (and for that matter, gene) pool has increased dramatically. Resources accordingly have become scarcer. More people, same amount of resources means harder competition to establish a household. The same is still true today in places like the job market.

Another trend that has been noted to affect marriage age is life expectancy. As your life expectancy increases, so does marriage age.

image from http://www.afungram.com

Think about it. If you’ve got less time, you want to find the “one” as soon as possible, but if you’re more likely to live longer, you can spend more time figuring it out and establishing your independence from your parents.

This trend can be seen most dramatically in Afghanistan where life expectancy is only about 60. Correspondingly, Afghanistan has an incredibly low average age of 20 years for marriage according to the Priceonomics. So if you haven’t found your “bae” or your one, true love, kick back and relax. Chances are that you’ll find them later rather than sooner.

Another important consideration you might want to remember is that you might not be able to take on a romantic relationship right now. Depending on you, your schedule, and the other person’s schedule, you might have significant problems just finding time for each other.

If you’re dating someone from another school, distance can strain ties. Lack of personal contact, both physical and social, can decrease fondness for a person. According to research at Stanford University, non-sexual physical contact between partners increased intimacy and bonding leading to better, more successful relationships. If you can’t establish little physical expressions of love, chances are it’s going to falter.

Having a relationship is also really hard. It’s downright draining some days. If you wake up at 7 to go to an 8 a.m. class and then end up at the gym, go the rest of your classes, work, and then your boyfriend or girlfriend texts you wanting you to come over, but you’ve got a lab report due tomorrow, what do you do?

Really, you know you should work on that lab, but you haven’t seen them in two weeks because of school and work. Now what? Yik Yak said it best.

Truer words were never spoken. (image courtesy of Yik Yak via @YikYakApp Twitter account)

Statistics and schedules aside, you just might not be mature enough for a relationship. How many years out of high school are you? How long did your last relationship last? What did said relationship mostly consist of (be honest)?

If the answers to those were less than four, three months, and sex, then you should reevaluate before entering a relationship. Ultimately, dating ends one of two ways: you break up or you spend your life together. If you’re dating someone because you’re lonely, feel like you “should,” or for any other reason than your mutual benefit (but mostly theirs), then you’re in a relationship for the wrong reasons.

A critique could be raised that maturity in relationships takes relationships. Touché. The circular logic of it all makes it seem like a vicious cycle of falling in love and falling out of love. My advice to be more mature before entering a relationship will not guarantee you find the “one” in your next, but it will allow you to reexamine yourself and potential relationships. Practice introspection before entering into a committed relationship and be honest with yourself and the other person.

Like I said before, college is a time for romance, but it is primarily for school. You might actually meet the person of your dreams in your stats class, but don’t bomb the exam because you’re all googly-eyed during the whole thing.

The mean age is just an average and as my dad always likes to remind me “All models are wrong. Some are useful.” I encourage you and your romantic endeavors, but be realistic and be a student first.

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